18 minutes ago
Gearing up to sit for about a week and do my yearly review. A lot to review.
I spent most of the spring and summer in a well of depression. It’s not the worst bout that I’ve had (and I’ve dealt with depression on and off since I was about eleven or twelve), but it hadn’t been this bad since 2013. Thankfully, it didn’t last as long (2013 was a bad year, not just a bad couple of seasons), but it was frustrating nonetheless. A lot of what I had on my books as far as plans came to a screeching halt. What was really awful was that a lot of my creative practice that I have cultivated over the past nine years just froze. I didn’t want to do any of it. And THAT was different from 2013. I hadn’t felt the non-desire to create since 2011. That was another year that was horrid and I spent a good deal of that year depressed as well. That’s the year that my mother died. For months, I didn’t want to do anything. Maintaining some piece of a creative practice, however small or however much, had been a way of life and in many ways a sanity-saver for me. When I wanted to chuck it all, I felt dead inside. And for a few months this year, that feeling returned. I still don’t have concrete answers as to why. I can point to this event here or that event there, but the events are not that significant. What I do know is that feeling that way is the worst.
By early fall, I was beginning to come out of it and feeling like myself again. My journals and camera and paints began to get a lot more attention, until everything was back to my “normal.” I did Inktober for the first time. I reassessed the plans that had come to a screeching halt. Tossed some, saved some for a later time. And had a pleasant fall season, which is good because Fall is my favorite season.
I would love to create more things that communicate a feeling of emerging, like emerging from a gray summer, or a gray year. I also want to see myself as art more often. As much as I love to write, there are times when I really don’t have the words to convey what I want to say. So I’ll work on getting the images to say more of it.